In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zacharias, of the division of Abijah and he had a wife from
the daughters of Aaron, and her name
was Elizabeth. They were both righteous in the sight of God,
walking blamelessly in all the commandments and requirements of the Lord. But they had no child, because
Elizabeth was barren, and they were both advanced in years. – Luke 1:5-7 (New American Standard Bible).
INTRODUCTION
When Zachariah sought a life companion, he did not go to one of his religious neighbours to seek their daughter’s hands in marriage. He went to Aaron’s house to seek out a wife. As a child of God who was conscious of making Heaven, he knew he needed someone of like convictions. In spite of the challenges that dotted their paths in life, they remained faithful to God and to each other. Through their marriage, God raised the greatest Prophet, the Forerunner of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ – his name was John the Baptizer!
“Christian Marriage: Rights and Idols” is the topic assigned to me. The subject of marriage is central to our earthly happiness and eternal well-being. If there is anything that should be of concern to us, it is marriage.
By simple definition, marriage is a confluence - the flowing together of two heart streams to form one (Genesis 2:20-24). Marriage is the union of two hearts. It is a covenant relationship that a man and a woman enter into for life (Malachi 2:14b; Matthew 19:5-6). It is not something one gets into and gets out of easily. It is a life-long business.
MARRIAGE CAN MAKE OR MAR YOU
Marriage is beautiful, exciting and honourable. However, it can become a great source of worry if you find yourself with the wrong mate. Socrates, a notable Greek philosopher wrote,
“By all means marry, for if you get a good wife (or husband), twice blessed you will be; if you get a bad wife (or husband), you will become a philosopher.”
God does not want us to become philosophers. He wants us to enjoy our marriages. Kumuyi (1990:1) observed that “Marriage is easy to get into but very difficult to get out of.” He also observed that most times “those who rush into marriage get crushed by it.”
We must have heard it said repeatedly that “Love is blind.” Yea, love may be blind, but “Marriage is a great eye opener.”
Marriage is beyond the act of just getting married, it is a life-long relationship between a man and a woman. A mistake in who you marry is one that is not easily remedied. This is the reason why extreme caution should be exercised in choosing who to marry. Again, Kumuyi (1990:1) remarked:
“Marriage
transcends the thrills and frills of being in love. It goes beyond merely
dreaming of a happy home. Marriage is a life-long issue. Marital happiness and
fulfillment can transform your days on earth into a sort of heavenly bliss. In
the same vein, marital failure will lead to heartaches, incessant tears,
sighing and can reduce you into a traveler who finds himself in a distant
wasteland, trackless, guideless and lost. As a Christian who is contemplating
getting married you should be watchful because the devil knows your needs. For
that reason he will try to bring up counterfeits across your way. Your flesh
will also rise up many times and recommend what your spirit knows you should
not have, in a grand conspiracy of the flesh against your spirit to ruin you.
MARRIAGE: ITS RIGHTS
For every man, there is a woman and for every woman, there is a man. Marriage is for everyone, but not everyone is for marriage. Everyone has the right to desire and to be married. However, desire does not translate to reality. To desire is one thing but to achieve what you desire is another thing.
The marriage you desire does not necessarily translate to the marriage you deserve. “He who wants to be a friend must himself be friendly” (Proverbs 18:24). In other words, he who wants to marry a princess must himself be a prince.
Marriage
requires some levels of preparation: physical, emotional/psychological,
spiritual and financial. In marriage, Physics leads to Chemistry, and both lead
to Biology. When Biology occurs, Economics would come in followed by
Agricultural Science, Accountancy, etcetera. Therefore, to be married, you need
to factor in all the factorables and variables. You must be prepared. Some of
the areas you need to be prepared are:
Physical
Preparation
Because marriage is not for ‘boys’ and ‘girls,’ there should be elements of physical preparation. Marriage is for ‘adults’- those who are physically mature. Before Adam and Eve were married by God, the Garden of Eden had been built and furnished.
No one in his/her right mind goes into marriage without physical preparation. Are you done with school? Do you have a compelling or repelling personality? What kind of persons do you attract to yourself?” At Matthew 24:28, Jesus said, “Where a carcass is there the eagles will gather.”
Emotional/Psychological
Preparation
Marriage transcends the thrills and frills of being in love. If you are not emotionally mature, you will buckle under the weight of marriage. Do you have the shock absorber needed to sustain a union? One of the first emotional challenges you are likely to encounter as a married person is known as “Crisis of confidence.” This is usually a period of adjustments. In an article, “Put the touch of romance back into your marriage,” Tayo Salami (2010:33) wrote:
The root of
marital disenchantment are usually exposed shortly after marriage, that is when
you would know each other’s behaviour and some things you have taken as minor
when you were in courtship would be seen as a big offence. In fact, the adjustment
period reveals the other’s imperfections and rudeness replaces romance. Each
spouse defends his or her territory, and the one union reverts to two
identities, as the fantasy of romantic oneness begins to fade. Requests become
demands. Marital disharmony takes over and negative actions, left unchecked,
can spell disaster for the couple.
Spiritual
Preparation
Marriage
is beyond physical. It calls for spiritual responsibilities. As a married
person, you will one day become a father or mother. Parenting is a physical act
with spiritual responsibility. God calls you into the marital union with an
ultimate goal – raising godly children!
(Malachi 2:15). One day you will be required to give account of your children
to God (Hebrews 2:13b).
Financial
Preparation
How financially prepared are you to enter into marriage? Do you have a steady source of income? What skills do you have? Can you maintain a woman/man?
Marriage is not wishful thinking. It comes with responsibilities, which are centrally financial. Foods will be bought and cooked; rents will be paid. Money will be spent on a variety of needs. How the money to meet these needs will be generated remains a huge question, which you must answer.
Love
is like a well-cooked soup, which requires constant warming. Financial preparation is a pointer to how ready
you are to settle down.
One of the pointers to lack of financial preparation is when those seeking to be married go cap-in-hand soliciting for resources to execute one aspect of their marital rites or the other.
Do You Have The Right Attitude?
Attitude is everything. In most cases, attitude is more important than who you know and what you have. A good attitude is more valuable and powerful than natural talents. A beautiful woman with a poor attitude would never make a good spouse. A wealthy man with a negative attitude will never make a good spouse. At Proverbs 11:12, God’s Word says:
As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman who is without discretion (her lack of character mocks her beauty) - Amplified Bible
Remember that it was Rebecca’s attitude towards Abraham’s emissary that marked her out as the woman God had appointed for Isaac. While other girls were coming to fetch water from a well without concern for the stranger, Rebecca’s attitude marked her out (Genesis 24:10-28).
Whether you are a male or female, attitude is key.
MARRIAGE: ITS IDOLS
What is an idol? Ezekiel 14:1 – 5 provides an insight into what an idol is all about:
Now some of
the elders of Israel came to me and sat before me. And the word of the Lord
came to me, saying, “Son of man, these men have set up their idols in their
hearts, and put before them that which causes them to stumble into iniquity.
Should I let Myself be inquired of at all by them? Therefore speak to them, and
say, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Everyone
of the house of Israel who sets up his idols in his heart, and puts before him
what causes him to stumble into iniquity, and then comes to the prophet, I the
Lord will answer him who comes, according to the multitude of his idols,
that I may seize the house of Israel by their hearts, because they are all
estranged from Me by their idols.’ ” (NKJV)
Idol in this context does not refer to molten images
that people bow to in worship. It refers to preconceived ideas or notions that
people have – the things you idolize. What then are these idols?
Marriage Is The Be-All-And-End-All
Some people think that marriage is the ultimate in life. They have so idolized marriage as if it is the only thing God has created them to do. They act as if the world has crumbled under their feet because they are not married.
Do not kill yourself because you are not yet married. True happiness in life does not revolve around marriage. There are millions who are married today, but would wish that they never married. That a person is married does not mean he/she is happy. Marriage is not the ultimate. I Corinthians 7: 29-34 says:
I tell you this, brothers, the time is growing short. From now on, let those who have wives behave as if they had none, and the mourners as if they were not mourning and the joyful as if they do not rejoice; those who purchase as if they were not possessors, and those who use the world as if they had no use for it, because the present world order is passing away. I would not have you worried. The single person is concerned with the Lord’s affairs, how to please the Lord, but the married person is concerned with things of the world, how to please his wife; he has divided interests. The unmarried woman or the virgin is interested in the Lord’s affairs, that she may be dedicated to him in body and spirit; but the married woman is concerned with things of the world, how she may please her husband. (Revised Berkeley Version)
Do not allow what is temporal to destroy that which is eternal. Marriage is temporal, but your soul is eternal.
I Must Taste Before I Marry (Sex Before Marriage)
I read of a girl who spoke with passion over “Taste before I marry.” She said she would not marry a man she had not tasted to know how good he was in bed. In an interview Sonia Asomugha (a.k.a Soblinkx) granted Vanguard Newspaper on March 5, 2016 she said:
Seriously, I want to have a taste of who I will be getting married to. I just want to know what it feels like with him. I am sure, of all the girls you have had sex with, there is this one person that it’s always nice with. The same thing applies to girls. A girl might have sex with five guys, but there will be this one person she enjoys it with.
Aside the dangers of violating God’s Word and jeopardizing your soul when you engage in premarital sexual relationships, the dangers of I Must Taste Before I Marry is that you are laying a terrible foundation – foundations of marital mistrust for your marriage.
In research findings on “Benefits in Delaying Sex until Marriage” published on Journal of Family Psychology (December 27, 2010) written by Bill Hendrick indicate:
It may be
common for couples to have sex before marriage, but a new study shows that
couples who wait until marriage are happier with the quality of sex than
couples who have intercourse before their vows. What’s more, couples who delay
sex until their wedding night have more stable and happier marriages than
couples who have premarital sex.
The study involved
2,035 married participants in an online assessment of marriage called “RELATE.”
According to the study, people who waited until marriage:
• rated sexual quality 15% higher than people who
had premarital sex.
• rated relationship stability as 22% higher.
• rated satisfaction with their relationships 20%
higher.
It concludes by saying: the benefits were about half as strong for couples who became sexually active later in their relationships but before marriage.
Marriage
Celebrations
Some people believe that if they do not celebrate their marriage, they are not married. There must be an elaborate traditional and white wedding. How many persons were in attendance when a wife was taken for Abraham’s son (Genesis 24:10-28)?
What Rule Book says that marriage should be “celebrated,” and in a grand manner, too? What is wrong in marrying within your budget surrounded by few brethren, family and friends?
You must not break a bank to marry. Marriage can be organized or celebrated in a quiet and low-key manner.
Dating and
Courtship
While Dating is not Scriptural, Courtship is. At Matthew 1:18 -20, 25 we read:
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. …. but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.
Dating leads to co-habitation. In most cases while Dating, couples are already enjoying the
appurtenances of marriage before marriage while in Courtship, couples are seeking to know each other.
Dating tries to answer the question, “How can I find the one who will make me happy?” Courtship strives to answer the
question, “How can I honor God and discern His direction regarding my life
partner?”
In a dating relationship, self-gratification is normally the basis
of the relationship, but in Courtship it is not. In a dating relationship,
there is little if any accountability, but in Courtship there is accountability
to parents and mentors.
Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to
determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other. Under the protection, guidance, and
blessing of parents or mentors, the couple concentrates on developing a deep
friendship that could lead to marriage, as they discern their readiness for
marriage and God’s timing for their marriage. (Proverbs 3:5–7).
NEED TO MARRY IN THE LORD
At I Corinthians 7:39 we read, “….she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” This was an injunction to widows who wished to remarry. If this kind of statement was made to widows, you can imagine what is expected of young people who desire to marry.
A believer has no business getting into any marital relationship with an “unbeliever”; a child of God has no business with someone who is not a child of God. A regenerate soul and an unregenerate soul should have no business going into marriage. If you do, it would not take you long to realize that you have made one of the worst mistakes of your life. Responding to the post, “Marriage Idolatry: Exposing The Christian Version of Consent Culture” by Bridget Eileen Rivera, Darla Meeks wrote:
I have been divorced for 10 years …. I
divorced my husband who is not a Christian because he was unfaithful to me, and
for no other reason. I lived with him for 17 years, forgiving him over and over
for his adulteries after every false promise that he would stop. Matthew 5:32
and Matthew 19:9 tell us that unchastity is the only valid reason for divorce,
and I took that seriously. The last time he refused to go to counseling, I made
my mind up it was time for us to part company, and I knew in my heart that the
Lord was behind me on it. I told my husband that we both had to admit that he
wasn’t happy with one woman, and we both did. It was a relatively peaceful
divorce, certainly compared to others.
(https://www.meditationsofatravelingnun.com/marriage-idolatry-exposing-the-christian-version-of-consent-culture/)
How can this woman who was a believer expect an unbeliever husband to behave like a believer when he is not?
Do not enter into marital relationship with an unbeliever. You may be in “love” and on Cloud Nine - be warned: Love may be blind, BUT marriage is certainly an eye opener.
Do not marry anyone whom you do not share a common religious faith with. Those who did have only lived to regret their actions. In his book, God Owns My Business, Stanley Tam (1969:42) wrote:
“... there
just isn’t any better basis for a marriage than two people who, in addition to
being physically attracted to each other, have an avowed determination to put
Christ first in their lives.”
Oil and water
do not mix. A mouse and a boa constrictor would not make the best of friends. A
person with a paralyzing fear of heights would not be a wise choice as a
climbing partner to scale the slopes of Mount Everest. A radical Communist
would not be a good political running mate for a committed Capitalist. A huskie
and a dachshund would not work well together as sled dogs in the Alaskan
wilderness. And a follower of Christ would not make a good marriage match with
a nonbeliever.
Who you pair with in marriage and how compatible you are to each other will go a long way to define how your relationship in the present will shape your future. As Homer rightly observed:
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
Marriage is not something you should dabble blindly into. Do not go into marriage with a person who will not complement you and help you to become a better version of yourself spiritually, emotionally, socially and eternally.
Do
not be deceived – the person you marry has a lot to do with your happiness,
spirituality and eternal well-being. To graphically illustrate the fact that
the person you marry has a lot to do with your spirituality and eternal
well-being, let us take a look at some couples we find in the Bible:
1. Samson’s choice
of a wife (against all reasoning) in Delilah (a stunningly beautiful woman but
an unbeliever) was what led to his destruction (Judges 14:1-3; Judges 16).
2. Ahab’s choice of
a wife in Jezebel – an unbeliever turned him into a servant of Satan (1 Kings
21:25).
3. Annanias’ and
Saphira’s choices of mates in each other made them partners in retrogression
and led to their death and perhaps, eternal damnation (Acts 5:1-10).
4. Aquilla and
Priscila’s choices of mates in each other made them partners in progress in Kingdom
business (Acts 18:1-3).
5. Zacharia and
Elizabeth’s choices of mates in each other made them to serve God together
(Luke 1:6).
Dangers
of Marrying Outside the Faith
When a child of God marries outside the Faith, it often leads to spiritual idolatry. King Solomon tried it and ended up an idol worshiper and promoter (I Kings 11:1). This act plunged Israel into losing God’s Word for many years, which led to apostasy (II Kings 23:13). In his book, If I Be A Man of God (2002:15), late ‘ArchBishop’ Benson Idahosa asked:
What is there to admire in the life of the unbeliever that you cannot find in the Household of Faith? Is outward beauty so paramount in your agenda that you must look?
A Christian Sister in America married outside the Faith and her experiences were not palatable. She chronicled her story in a book titled, “I Married A Catholic....” It was written to dissuade girls who were trying to marry outside the Faith to reconsider their decisions. You need to read that book to convince yourself that it is dangerous to let “love” (which I prefer to call, ‘Chemical reactions”) mislead you into marrying outside the Faith.
Reasons Brethren Adduce For Marrying Outside The
Faith
There are several reasons given by Brethren as
reasons why they marry outside the Faith. We are going to highlight some of the
reasons Brothers and sisters give: first we shall look at what Brothers are
saying after which we shall look at that of the Sisters.
1. Brothers
1. Status.
2. Immorality and immodesty among sisters.
3. Some brothers complain that they did not see who to marry within their
local congregations.
4. Those outside the Faith are sometimes more moral than those within the
Faith.
5. Inability of suitors to meet up certain standards. Some sisters are so
materialistic that their demands are out of the ordinary.
Brothers, be reminded that “Beauty and “Brain”;
translucency (shining or golden skins) and psychedelia (elegance) do not make a
good wife (cf. Prov. 31:28). Jezebel was a beautiful woman with stunning looks
and impressive physique (II Kings 9:30) but she turned King Ahab away from God
and turned him into a first class fool, an apostate and a puppet monarch. In
fact, Jezebel made Ahab a despicable man before God and men (cf. I Kings
21:25).
1. Most brothers are poor and struggling. In fact, many sisters claim that they would not want to suffer in their parents’ houses and do the same in their husbands’ homes. For this reason, they have to say, “Yes” wealthy unbelievers outside the Faith.
2. Status. This has to do with social, academic and professional incompatibilities.
3. Brothers are not forthcoming with marriage proposals; so, anyone outside who does is welcome.
4. Some are encouraged to marry outside the Faith because of the bad examples of those who are married to fellow Christians.
5. Sisters complain that brothers go outside
the Faith to marry and bring inside and so they ask why they should not be
allowed to do the same (a case of what is good to the goose is equally good for
the gander. If we allow brothers to convert and marry why castigate the Sisters
who go out to marry outside the Faith?).
Sisters, be also reminded that manliness (athletic built) and wealth; smooth talking and the ability to cruise around town on latest model of Lincoln Navigator, Infinity, etcetera do not qualify a man as a good husband. It is “better to have a feast of vegetable” with a loving, godly and caring husband “than to possess all treasures and strife therein” (Proverbs 17:1; 15:16; 28:6).
Place the value of eternity ahead of you while
considering who to spend the rest of your earthly life in marriage with. It is
sheer stupidity to enjoy all the glitz and glamour of an unchristian marriage
and be forever lost in hell (Matthew 16:26).
Further Causes of Marrying Outside the Faith
1. Approaching wrong persons for marriage which often leads to disappointment; these brothers return to complain that sisters do want to marry them. He who wants to marry a princess should himself be a prince.
2. Lack of social interactions among Brethren. Some do not want to associate with fellow Christians to the point that immediately after worship services or fellowships, they speed off.
3. Some Sisters, the moment brothers approach them, they launch verbal attacks on those prospective suitors, thereby discouraging good intentions.
4. Some brothers are too strict, not allowing sisters to express themselves. For that reason, sisters are not predisposed to accepting marrying them.
5. Some brothers use extra-Biblical and religious terminologies such as “unscriptural” this or “unscriptural” that, as a cloak of subjugation. For this reason, sisters are afraid that should they marry such ‘sanctimonious’ brothers they would be living in bondage.
6. Some sisters’ want already made men as husbands.
7. Some Brethren (brothers and sisters) are one-congregation members; they do not go out to attend Brotherhood wide programmes from where enlarged brotherhood would notice them or they will see others with whom they can marry.
8. Lack of faithfulness; Keeping boyfriends and girlfriends outside the Faith; in other words being unequally yoked together with unbelievers.
9. Some people prefer to marry those who are morally upright outside than to marry than to marry those who are morally bankrupt within the Faith.
CONCLUSION
Life is a choice. Actions and reactions are equal
and opposite. What you sow is what you reap. Choose to be right and live right.
There are Rights and Idols of marriage. Moderate your rights and avoid your
idols.
Thank you.
Hilary Johnson Chukwuma Chukwurah
Phone:
08039596919. E-mail:
hilaryjohnsonc@gmail.com
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