CULTIVATING AND SUSTAINING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

 EXORDIUM

        Relationship is at the heart of human existence. Man was created to fulfill the need for fellowship. Relationship in itself is universal fellowship, which can be cultivated and sustained with just about any person irrespective of race, religion, social, academic and economic standings; theological, philosophical and political orientations.

Because we share a common humanity, we need each other. By Divine design, we are extensions of each other. I am you by a different name and you are me by another name. We are each other by different psychological, social and biological constitutions.

The well-being one is the prosperity of the other while the misfortune of one is the hurt of the other (Romans 12:15; I Cor. 12:26). We cannot do without each other! You are important to me as I am important to you. This probably is the reason we must cultivate and sustain relationships with each other. For relationships to serve their useful purposes there must be a generating and sustaining power.

Let me say that each of us hold the key to healthy, effective and meaningful relationships. I am the key to locking and unlocking relationships. I can open doors as well as close doors. I am a catalyst: by what I say and do, I can set machineries in motion or initiate the process of retardation and retrogression.

It is pertinent to state that our Lord Jesus Christ placed high premium on relationships. Large volumes of His teachings were geared towards cultivating and maintaining relationships with God and with fellowmen. Christian Scripture points out that a faulty relationship can adversely affect one’s worship of God (Matthew 5:23-24) and also has the capacity to place one on the wrong side of God (cf. Hebrews 12:14b).   

OUTLINE OF PRESENTATION

 I. WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP?

        Cicero, a Roman sage opined that words should be defined so that everyone concerned would come to appreciate the subject of enquiry. In view of this, we ask, “What is relationship?”

        Relationship is the interconnection or interdependence of two (or more) persons in order to achieve some goals.

        There are different kinds of relationships: parasitic and symbiotic. In parasitic relationships, one is always giving and the other is always receiving. This, to a large extent is negative. In symbiotic (mutual) relationships, parties involved are benefiting from each other. This, to a large extent is positive.

There are various genres of relationships in existence:

1.   Marital.

2.   Parent-child.

3.   Siblings.

4.   Friends and school mates;

5.   Colleagues at work or at shop.

6.   Neighbours.

7.   Mere acquaintances.      

        We all need to ask ourselves whether we are parasites or beneficial to those with whom we are in relationships. People tend to resent those who parasite on them but treasure those who add value to their lives.

II. CREATING AND SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS    

Electricity must be generated and sustained; else, power supply would remain a mirage. The same is also true of relationships. To cultivate (generate) relationships, a number of factors must be taken into consideration. Insurances for successful relationships are common interests, harmony, and understanding.

Some factors that lead to cultivation of relationships include but not limited to:

1.  ATTRACTION

Relationships cannot be cultivated and sustained without some elements of attraction. Something in someone must ignite interest in another. Perhaps, this attraction may be a factor of the way an individual speaks, smiles, laughs, or reasons; it may have to do with a person’s dedication to duties, religious zeal, faithfulness to Kingdom business, natural intelligence, education, knowledge of Scripture, ability to socialize, emotional maturity, wealth or physical beauty, etcetera. Anything can set machineries in motion for an attraction.

Attraction can be cultivated. Anyone who desires a particular kind of relationship can engineer interests in others. Proverbs 18:24 says, “He who desires to be a friend must make himself friendly.”  

Attraction compels but lack of attraction repels. We all need to ask ourselves individually, “Does my personality compel or repel? Do people like to be around me or am I an end to any discussion whenever my presence is felt?”

Am I attractive? What kind of persons do I attract to myself? “Where a carcass is there the eagles will gather” (Matthew 24:28).

 

2.  EXPECTATIONS

People who cultivate relationships do so because of certain intrinsic and extrinsic expectations. These perceived benefits could be material or spiritual; temporal or long-lasting.

Expectations play huge roles, explaining why we all cultivate certain relationships and make efforts to sustain them. When our expectations are met, we feel satisfied and want to continue but when our expectations are not met, we would want such expectations to end.

These expectations may be procreative in nature or need to ward off loneliness; business or career development; academic or economic; personal development, intellectual, emotional or spiritual stimulations.

3.  PHYSICAL PROXIMITY

Nature abhors vacuum. The people we meet on a daily basis and have contacts with are likely the very people we would naturally want to cultivate relationships with. They are the world we know. When we leave the areas where we meet the people we have cultivated relationships with, we would put them on the back burner and cultivate relationships with a new set of people.

Having thus stated, the people we have frequent contacts with are the ones we would most likely cultivate relationships than those who are afar from us. Often, the available becomes the desirable and out-of-sight more often than not, become out of mind.    

4.  ATTITUDES

Attitude is everything in relationships. Attitudes can make one a darling or repulsive. Our attitudes can make us come “alive” in people or can make you “dead” in them (II Cor. 7:3).

5.  COMPATIBILITY

Compatibility is a key issue in creating and sustaining relationships. People who have high levels of compatibility have a 90% success rate in building and sustaining relationships. Incompatible people do not see eye-to-eye and would end up going through the motions without being truly in relationships.

Amos 3:3 brings to fore issues germane to compatibility. Two persons who do not see eye-to-eye on certain issues cannot bloom in a relationship. Birds of the same feather would always flock together.

Compatibility raises a whole lot of issues such as emotional, psychological and theological compatibilities. Do you share common ethical, religious, social, political, economic, etcetera?

II Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoke together… for what fellowship has light with darkness…?” If you are light, you are not compatible with darkness. Therefore, you cannot relate effectively with darkness of any means (Ephesians 5:11-14). Any relationship entered into is bound to fail.

If your thinking differs from another, any relationship cultivated with such a person can hardly be sustained because there are bound to be Tsumanis along the way.

Issues relating to compatibility include:

a.   Do you think alike?

b.  Do you share a common world view?

c.   Do you share a common religious faith?

d.  Will you be able to tolerate each other’s idiocies?

e.   Is the pendulum swinging to your favour or disfavour in a ratio of 80 – 20; 70 – 30; 60 – 40 or 50 – 50 and vice-versa.

III. FACTORS RESPONSIBLE FOR SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

1.  Effective communication

Effective communication is key to sustaining healthy relationships. Let grace define your communication contents (Col.4:6) and endeavour not to incite negative emotions with words (Prov. 15:1). Often, speaking “truth” requires saying it the way they should be said without recourse to whose ox is gored, yet, we can still speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) without being antagonistic or project the image of an enemy.

Words can hurt, words can heal. Be careful of what you say and how you say it. “…be quick to hear, but slow to speak….” (James 1:19). Use words sparingly. If you must be generous with words use it to affirm those in your relationships. Use words to build, not to destroy or to pull people down.

2.  Practice reciprocity

Reciprocity thrives in an atmosphere of mutual surrenderedness (Eph. 5:21). It is a fall-for-me and I fall-for-you game. Reciprocity is the right palm greasing the left palm and vice-versa. “Consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). Relational sharpening should be practiced, “For as iron sharpens iron so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).

Be generous, be large-hearted, assured that, “The liberal soul shall be made fat and he who watered shall himself also be watered” (Prov.11: 25). The measure you give will always be the measure you will receive. Therefore, give unselfishly and unconditionally.

Do you want to receive a good measure from the person you are in relationships with? Then give him/her that which you want to receive from him or her. It is not only respect that is reciprocal, love and affection are. Our Lord advised, “Give, and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, they will pour into your lap. For whatever measure you deal out to others it will be dealt back to you in return” (Luke 6:38).

Here is the hub of reciprocity: treat people the exact way you want to be treated. Practice the golden rule. Do you want a faithful, caring, loving, humane, understanding, and affectionate friend? Here is a secret -  “Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do so for them; for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12). Affirm and be affirmed. Love and be loved. Care and be cared for. Speak well and be spoken well to. Always take the initiative-practice reciprocity.

Reciprocity has the potential of restoring affection to a bad marriage. What many people do not understand is that affection is affectous. Affection is the oil that keeps friction out of relationships. Maintaining affection is like keeping one’s flavour. The moment one loses his/her flavour, that same moment the downward trend of losing his/her flair takes place in one’s partner.

Respect must be mutual and everything possibly must be reciprocal.

3.  Be altruistic

Do not get into relationship just because of what you will gain but with a mindset of what you can contribute. When we get into relationships principally because of what we will benefit, we will end up disappointed because we will become opportunists and gold-diggers.

When parties to a relationship are controlled by what they can get from each other and not what they can contribute to each other, it becomes a cat and mouse game. I like what Theodore Borett said, “I have bound myself for life; I have made my choice; from now on my aim will not be to choose a woman who would please me but to please the woman that I have chosen.”

4.  Create emotional bank account

Create emotional bank accounts and make huge deposits into them. This is a tool you can use to cultivate as well as sustain relationships.

As you can walk into a bank to create a Savings, Current, Corporate and Domiciliary accounts; make deposits into them and draw from, in the same way you can create various emotional bank accounts in people you are relating with, make large deposits therein and at critical moments you can make withdrawals (Luke 6:38; Prov. 11:25; Hebrews 10:24).

Our Lord Jesus Christ was able to create strong emotional bank accounts in His Apostles so much so that when the chips were down He was able to make large withdrawals (John 6:66-70).

Creating emotional bank accounts in people and depositing into them are not too difficult. They are as simple as showing genuine interests in them and in their welfare; visiting with them, praying with them and for them; calling them on phone, sending text messages, using positive affirmations, making them feel important in your presence, give them gifts, etcetera.

When you do these, you will be surprised at the amount of goodwill you will enjoy and the outpouring of emotions towards your person.

5.  RIGHTEOUSNESS (Luke 1: 5-6; Prov. 14:34)

Righteousness is a powerful ingredient towards building enduring and God-honouring relationships whether it is marriage, business, social, educational, etcetera.

Is your partner righteous? Does this relationship lead you away from God or lead you towards God? As Christians, any relationship that does not increase our levels of righteousness is doomed from start. No matter how beneficial a relationship maybe but dugs into the very foundations of our righteousness, we must do well to put a stop to that (cf. Mark 9:34ff).

6.  UNDERSTANDING (Prov. 24: 3; I Pet. 3:7)

Misunderstanding is a cog in the wheel of progress while understanding promotes cohesion of any relationship.

Understanding is the ability of persons in any given relationship to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of each other. To accomplish this, those in relationships should be able to ask:

a.           Who is he/she?

b.          What are his/her strengths and weaknesses?

c.           What is it that can make or mar his/her day?”

Understanding is one’s ability to predict and interpret the various moods of the persons we are in relationships with. It is the ability to study one’s partner as one would study a good book from page to page.

One of the things that understanding will do for you is recognition of individual differences and each other’s “No – go - areas.”

7.  LEARN THE ART OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT (PROV. 17:14)

It is practically impossible not to have misunderstandings of various sorts between and by people in any given relationship. That is to say, in relationships there are bound to be conflicts of interests. There are several conflict generators. Your ability to navigate and manage conflicts will go a long way to sustain your relationships.

Some principles to apply in managing conflicts are:

a.   Maturity (Genesis 13:7-11).

b.   Doing nothing rash (Acts 18:36).

c.   Allowing yourself to be cheated (I Cor. 6:7-8).

d.   Being a fool (I Cor. 4:10).  

e.   Learning to overlook (Prov. 20:3).

f.    Agreeing to disagree.

8. MAKE PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT

Make people feel important without demeaning your person. It was said that Queen Elizabeth of England had two close male friends. When asked to comment on her impressions about the two men – of one, she said she felt uncomfortable because anytime he was in her presence, he would make her feel that he was the most important person in the world but of the second man she said she craved her company because anytime he was in her presence, he would make her feel as if she was the most important person in the world.

People like to feel good about themselves. Anyone who makes people feel good, such a person’s company is valued.

Make people feel important. Downplay your own needs but play up theirs. Talk more positively of the people in your life and less of yourself (cf. John 3:30). When you make people feel important, they in turn will celebrate you – you will become their hero or heroine. You will become their champion!

Forget yourself for others (Phil.2:3-4ff). The same people you forget yourself for will never forget you. Few may tend to, but the rest will not. You will be alive in their hearts. By this, you will succeed in strategically positing yourself in the psyche of these people. This is the principle that our Lord Jesus Christ employed (II Corinthians 5:14-15).

On the other hand, when you demean people and make your influence bear unnecessarily on them, they would not only loathe you, they will never near your camp.         

CONCLUSION

        There is no gainsaying the fact that we are all in one form of relationship or another and would want to be involved in other forms of relationships. As social beings, we love to relate with people and would want to feel senses of belonging, direction and fulfillment.

We can make our relationships count by being more selfless and sacrificial than being demanding, sarcastic and antagonistic.

Thank you for your time and attention. God bless us all in Jesus’ name!